Premiere
by Privately a Closet Romantic
Summary: Hey, Castillians, I'm here to alleviate your post-finale angst! This is my take on the season 4 premiere. Read and review but please be gentle  this is my first time writing CHARACTERS THAT I DO NOT OWN!  Hint: that was my disclaimer. Enjoy!
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1- The Shot Rang Out

The first thought Richard Castle had as he stepped out of his car into the cemetery was how ironic the weather was. The sun was out and the air was warm, but not uncomfortably so, due to a breeze that blew periodically. The grass was tinted a bright green, the sky cloudless and a light blue shown from the heavens. Such a glorious day, yet such a tragic one. Little did Rick know how much Mother Nature was teasing him.

The funeral proceeded: the Montegomerys' cried, Castle, Esposito, Ryan, Beckett, and other members of the Twelfth solemnly carried their fallen captain's casket through the burial ground. Kate, who gave a moving eulogy about Montegomery and then looked at Castle. Forgiving him for their emotionally charged fight and keeping her away from Roy when the shots rang out. Silently thanking him for standing with her. _Always._ And then, right in the middle of her sentence and two flashes later, and Castle's world seemed crash down around him.

"_Kate!"_ She glanced at him and then the bullet found its target. She let out a little "umf," and Castle was aware of nothing else except her.

Kate, down on the ground, he, on top of her, trying to protect her, but it was all too late. That was always the case, wasn't it?: They were always too late. Kate trying to tell him something before her consciousness ebbed away in that freezer, he, trying to ask her out before Josh had interrupted. And now Kate was lying in the grass struggling to keep awake, let alone alive against her protesting body. It had to be now or never.

He pleaded with her to stay with him, to hold on. But it wasn't enough. It was never enough. She had even told him so.

"_Kate, I love you. I love you, Kate." _ Kate Beckett's lip had twitched upward and her head lolled to the side. She was gone and Rick Castle knew he was lost as a tear slid down his nose.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2- The Hospital

Surgery. She needed surgery. Six hours, she'd be operated on for six hours. The shot hit off target, around the lung. These thoughts spun around in Rick's head, threatening to make him nauseous. Castle didn't care about any of these things. He wanted the information that the doctors held away from him: Would Kate Beckett live?

"We'll be more aware of her condition after she's out of surgery, Mr. Castle," one of the doctors told him gently. No doubt he'd seen more than enough of these wild, fear-ridden faces of families of the infirmed. Eyes that squinted through the small plate of glass where surgeries conducted. People that couldn't sit still, juggling their legs, pacing, drumming their fingers apprehensively. Faces, desperate for any tidbit of information of their loved one's condition. How could anyone have a job that consisted of that 24 hours a day? Rick glanced to the side of him, a couple of chairs down. How could _Josh _go through that?

Dr. Motorcycle Boy was rubbing his temples, and his eyes sweeping across the operating room's door every few seconds. Though he seemed concerned, he didn't have the intense look Castle had pasted across his face. Maybe he was used to the tension. Maybe he thought she'd be all right, trusting the knowledge he'd attained through medical school and all. Or maybe, (Castle dared to hope), he didn't care as much about Kate as Rick did.

The other occupants of the hallway also didn't seem as antsy as Castle, but they wore the same apprehensive look he did and were coping through other ways. Lanie and Esposito had their hands locked in a vice-like grip, Lanie leaning up against her boyfriend, her eyes wide open. Ryan sat in a chair next to them, his jaw clenched, his hand resting near his empty holster. His gun had been confiscated by hospital security: only the detail placed outside the operating room was permitted to have any sort of weaponry. He was now awaiting Jenny, who had been called on the drive to ICU.

Jim Beckett was the only one who shared the look Castle wore. He appeared pained, his eyes practically boring holes through the doors of the operating room, his hands clutching the arms of the hard chair for support. No doubt he was thinking about the demise of his late wife. And how it would kill him if he had to go through that once again, only this time losing his only daughter. All these emotions were emanating from everyone in the room, but no one spoke a word.

Six hours and three minutes later, Kate Beckett rolled out of the operating room into a suite a few doors down. Everyone jumped up to their feet to get a glimpse of Kate, except for Jim, who had eventually succumbed to sleep in the chair.

Nobody liked what they saw. Kate's head was lolled to the side, her skin pale, and police uniform replaced with a white hospital gown. Her make up was smudged and her hair, now out of its military bun, had become uncurled and lay strewn upon her pillow.

Castle and Josh, already on their feet demanded of the doctor, "How is she?" They glanced at each other and then back to the doctor.

"You'll be glad to know that surgery was successful. Her vitals are stable and we'll be able to get her off the respirator soon enough."

"What about recovery time?" Damn him, Castle was thinking as Doctor Motorcycle Boy had beaten him to yet another question.

"Eight weeks." _She's not going to like that, _Castle grimaced.

"So she's going to be all right?" Castle asked quickly.

The doctor smiled. "She's going to be fine, but the recovery's not going to be pretty." _She's okay,_ thought Castle, relief pouring over him, _She's okay._

"When can we start visiting?" Josh asked this one.

"Right now, but only one at a time. Short ten minute visits. Try to keep the conversations light, we don't want her getting stressed out yet. It shouldn't be too hard, when she comes to she's going to be pretty fuzzy because of the painkillers." _Yeah, unless she's _really_ drugged up, that's not gonna happen._

"So who's first?" The doctor looked expectantly at the room. Everyone shook their heads. Jim still lay with his eyes closed in the chair.

"You go, Castle." Josh nodded towards Beckett's room.

"You're her boyfriend," Castle replied, trying to keep his voice neutral. "She'll want to see you first when she wakes up." A tiny nagging voice in his head protested. _No she's won't. She'll want _you.

Josh looked at him, as if asking him to reaffirm the statement. "Go," said Castle shortly, and he sat back down on the hard hospital chair, trying to stifle a sigh as he looked in on Josh clasping onto the hand of his unconscious girlfriend.


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Note**: Thanks everyone for all the positive responses and reviews! It's absolutely flattering! DMB is in the picture for this chapter (don't hate me), but the only reason why he's here is because Andrew Marlowe said Josh is going to be in the picture for a while. If it were my show, I'd axe him, but it's not so Josh stays. But to recompense for it, Kate's here as well! Please continue to rate, review, and subscribe! Thanks for all the support!

Hazy. That's how Kate Beckett felt as soon as her eyelids began to flutter, pulling her out of the abyss of unconsciousness. Soreness. But why? She tried to assess the situation but her thoughts were interrupted by a voice.

"Hey, babe."

Could that be Josh's voice? She concentrated and realized the tone had definitely sounded like her boyfriend's. Kate shut her eyes again, knowing that could at least buy her a few more minutes. She was in the hospital, she'd noticed from her quick look at the room around her. And her nose confirmed it as she inhaled the smell of sanitation and felt the breathing tubes stuffed in her nose. But why was she here? She sifted through her memories. Her and Castle fighting in her apartment, she kicking him out. Finding out Roy's betrayal and Rick dragging her out of the hangar, her pleading rendering useless. But then she found what she was looking for, what had landed her in this synthetic bed. The funeral.

"_Kate!" She looked over at Castle. What the hell was he doing? The impact of the bullet hot and sharp, digging into her skin and into her insides. Tackled on the ground. The smell of damp grass and dirt was inhaled into her nose. Castle, on top of her, begging her to stay with him. Darkness consuming her vision. And then his warm hand under her neck. And his choked voice, taking over her hearing. "Kate, I love you. I love you, Kate." She felt joy and then her body took over and she was out._

Oh my God. Could it be true? It had to be, the rest of it added up. Castle loved her? She felt happy, yet it felt so wrong. How could she trust that he wouldn't be the same playboy writer with her like he'd been with countless other women? The guy who'd had one night stands with women without even _liking_ them? No, he had to be past those days by now. But exactly how mature had he become in the last three years? As a friend, he'd stayed with her as though they were married. But what about as a boyfriend? Besides, it was not Castle who held her hand, who sat at her bedside. Her bubble completely popped by then. It was her _boyfriend, Josh_, who she cared for, who was _safe_, who waited by her side. And suddenly, in Beckett's mind, thoughts of Josh and Castle were not simpatico. She opened her eyes, trying to rid the vision of a crying Castle out of her head.

"You're awake," Josh smiled at her and she had to remember to force herself to smile back. God, the drugs made the mask that she usually wore harder to put on. Things like remembering that she was supposed to look happy with Josh and bear any amount of pain without a grimace had to be thought about and then followed through.

"Hi," _Where's Castle?_ Is what she wanted to ask. But that would hardly be appropriate to ask her boyfriend after he spent God knew how many hours waiting for her to wake. But what was she supposed to talk about? "How long was my surgery?" That was what she finally settled on. It was safe and hopefully Josh's turn for visiting would soon tick away after she'd come up with a list of light questions.

"Oh, you were operated on for a good six hours. But I wasn't too worried. I knew you were 'in good hands.'" Oh. He'd made a feeble reference to the Allstate commercials to lighten up the mood. She attempted to curve her lips into a smile.

"You weren't worried about me?" The words came out satisfactorily playful, and she tried not to imply the double meaning that swirled through her head. She'd just been shot and he brushed it off like it was a mistake with an order at a restaurant? Hadn't he cared just a bit that she'd been in either critical or serious condition? That she'd been hunted down and then shot like prey at a game reserve?

"I knew the wound was serious, but I figured you'd be okay. A person like you can take a shot and handle it just fine. You're tough, I know you'll make it through recovery fine on your own." He kept his tone light and he still infuriatingly smiled, oblivious to the fact that he'd just made the situation worse. He'd said "on your own." Like he had tickets to some country in need in his pocket and that as soon as the visit ended, he had a plane to catch.

To choke back some retort prompted by the hurt she felt, Kate changed the subject.

"So how long's recovery going to be?" Josh brightened and Kate felt a change in his attitude.

"Eight weeks. But soon you'll be able to move around and they'll stick you in rehab and soon enough everything will be back to the way it was." This explained the change in behavior: Josh was in Doctor Mode.

But Kate didn't consider that for too long, there was an immediate problem that needed solving at hand.

"_Eight weeks_?" she asked in disbelief. It took a couple of days for a case to turn cold. She didn't have eight weeks. In fact, Kate didn't have eight days. "Josh, I know I was shot and that I'm going to be out of commission for a while, but I _need_ to get back to work. If we don't work hard at finding out who this guy was, then the chances of finding him are going to get slimmer and slimmer and then it's gonna turn cold. I can't recover for _eight weeks_."

"Listen," Josh said soothingly, rubbing his thumb over her hand. "I'm sure your cop friends are going start working on it as soon as they get back to the precinct. And then as soon as you're back on your feet you can get back to it." He _didn't _understand. This was her _mother's case._ She couldn't just forget about it and sit around waiting for it to solve itself. She could feel herself getting angry and she was aware of a beeping on some monitor that no doubt was connected to some orifice of her body. She tried to calm herself down. Josh had no idea that this was connected to her mother's case, at least not yet. He had no idea that for years she'd been consumed by a passion, memorizing every line of her mother's file. He had NO IDEA, she thought more violently, of the nights that she'd had no sleep, haunted by the image of her mother's body in an alley and the fact that her murder had been swept aside as "random gang violence", something she now knew that had been a cover up for a huge conspiracy featuring everyone involved in her mother's case, even her most trusted captain. But Castle, Rick knew, and he _cared_. _Don't go there, _she warned herself. _But you're going to have to choose, _a nagging voice told her. _No, _said a stronger voice, appearing from her conscience, Rick's _going to have choose. _

"Kate?" Josh now looked concerned and was glancing at the monitor. The imperative beeping had persisted. Kate could feel a pressure that had gone unnoticed until now in her lung, leaving her short of breath. A nurse rushed in and Kate could see her eyes flick at the monitor.

"Doctor, I think you'll have to leave for the moment. It seems that Ms. Beckett is feeling slightly overwhelmed-" The nurse went to an IV linked to her and started to inject what no doubt was some sort of painkiller into her system. Kate felt relieved, all she wanted was for Josh to go away for a while until she sorted out what on earth she was feeling. She watched Josh exit without a word. But then she saw a slightly blurred outline of some man walking closer, peering into her room. Could it be Josh? No, this guy was shorter and his hair a light brown. Who was it? And then something within her clicked. _Castle? Castle._


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's Note**: Sorry, this one's kind of short, but I cranked this one out during a break from studying. This just kind of shows what Kate and Rick are thinking after Josh gets kicked out. The next chapter will be longer and YES we will have some Caskett time without interruptions from Josh (finally!). Still hope you like this one and you should be used to reading it now, but, please, review and subscribe!

The nurse ruled that no one was to enter Beckett's room for the next half hour until she deemed that Kate maintained a steady heartbeat for the allotted amount of time. Castle sighed, trying to hide his disappointment. He'd waited for Josh to finish visiting, keeping his cool knowing that it would be a short ten minutes later when he could have some one on one time with her. Instead, to Castle's chagrin/glee, Doctor Motorcycle Boy had been unceremoniously kicked out by the nurse, who had deemed his presence as too unsettling for Ms. Beckett. He'd left the room without comment, except to say that he was going to get something to eat and was unsure of when he would return. The only downside was that there yet _more_ of a wait to visit Kate. Castle sat down and rested his elbow on his knee and his head on his palm. He stayed his eyes at Kate's bed and watched her chest move up and down as she inhaled and exhaled with help (he cringed inwardly) from a respirator. He settled himself and thought that there was no better person and no better time to creepily stare at her. But this time there would be no sharp voice to stop him.

Kate exhaled with relief as Josh turned the corner and was gone from her sight. She mentally smiled as the nurse mandated that no one was to enter her room for the next thirty minutes. _Good_, she thought. She needed time to think. This time, this issue could not be left as uncertain. She needed to know: had Rick's proclamation been a spur of the moment, hastily made decision that he didn't even mean, or possibly regretted? Or did what he say speak truth and he found her gun shot incident to be the only time to say what he'd been holding back?

She couldn't go on, not knowing. She'd do something rash, like force herself to have some feelings for him. And she didn't want to do that. She cared for Josh. Josh was a good guy, handsome, and wanted to make the world a better place. But she couldn't stay in a relationship with him if she didn't know where she and Castle stood. Kate was going to take a leap, coerce him into saying what he felt. Because if she'd learned anything from Montegomery in the past few days, it was to learn where people stood. And it was time for her to find out where her relationship stood with Rick Castle.

Thirty two minutes after the nurse had declared the new visiting laws, Castle was getting antsy. With the nurse no where in sight, Castle decided to take liberties and visit Kate, if only to let her know that he was there. And always would be. He strode into the room and sat on yet another hard mint colored chair that the hospital seemed to have an endless supply of. Her hand lay by her side and he tentatively laid his hand upon hers, afraid to wake her or invoke her fury at his audacity of taking her hand. Kate's leg moved and her eyes fluttered open. He felt his heart surge and he threw on a big smile as she turned her head towards him.


	5. Chapter 5

**Author's Note: **This chapter's a long one and, yes, Kate and Rick do get to have some semblance of a conversation. It kind of gives you what you want from these two, but like the show, it leaves you asking "Can't you two just admit your feelings for each other yet?" Thanks for your advice in the reviews, this chapter I did try to add more descriptive words. Hopefully, I kind of fulfilled your expectations in that regard. I shouldn't have to say this by now, but continue to review and subscribe if you haven't already.

"Hey Kate," Kate could tell that he was struggling to keep his voice light.

She frowned slightly. He never used her first name unless there was something serious going on (usually them fighting, she thought uncomfortably) or if they were in a near death experience. Well, she supposed getting shot went under both categories.

"Hey Castle," She smiled weakly at him. He looked so tired. His hair was sticking up because of how many times it appeared he'd run his hand through it. He wore the same suit he'd donned at the funeral, now grass stained at the knees and wrinkled. Circles rounded under his eyes even though clock read only 8:30.

"The past couple days have been..." he looked as though he was struggling for words. _Traumatic?_ thought Beckett. _Hell? Painful? Heartrending?-_

"Hellishly messy," he settled on, "but you know something good did come out of this."

She raised her eyebrows. Her captain was dead, she was stuck in a bed for the next two months, and her feelings were riding a emotionally charged roller coaster. What exactly was the silver lining here?

"I now know what you look like after a hangover."

She rolled her eyes. It was so good to have him here, holding her hand, trying to make her laugh. He smiled at her. They paused for a moment, enjoying the comfortable silence between them and the far off sounds of nurses scurrying from room to room and fluctuations of air conditioning from a vent in the corner of the room.

"Castle?"

"Hmmm?" His eyes were twinkling like they always had, and he even smiled a tad. She knew this was just a way of hiding the onslaught of relief she knew had waved over him.

"I'm trying to get it all straight in my head," she started. "I was shot, I went down, you were over me, and I think you were trying to keep me conscious. But then what? You said something, what was it?

The smile dropped and he contemplated her. "I-I said 'stay with me.' And then you smiled. And then you were out. The ambulance-"

But she wasn't listening. He'd _lied_. He'd lied because he didn't want to own up to what he'd said, though he'd even admitted that she'd smiled, so he obviously hadn't forgotten, not that she'd expected him to. But Kate, regardless of what Rick recalled, remembered why she had. She'd let a smile creep onto her face because hearing those words from him, the man she'd wrestled inwardly over "he loves me/he loves me not" had finally given some closure at the funeral.

But now she came to her slightly drug hazed senses. And she was disappointed, even a little angry. He'd waited till she was on the ground _dying_ to tell her that he loved her! If she hadn't been shot, how long would he have waited to tell her? Months? Years? Not at all? He'd said it out of desperation, she concluded. Out of fear. Out of anxiety. Out of the concern that she needed to know that he cared for her. But out of love? She nearly scoffed at herself. No. He'd confirmed that just now or if that wasn't the case, then he was too afraid to tell her. And if Castle wasn't going to push the issue, put his cards on the table, then she wasn't either. Kate shut her eyes.

"You going to sleep?" he asked her, oblivious to the storm raging inside of her. At least her mask hadn't been affected too badly by the drugs this time. She nodded.

"I'll be here," she heard him say softly. She opened her eyes. No. She needed some time alone, where she could let her emotions show on her face. Without Castle.

"Go home, Castle. Get some sleep."

"No. I'm staying with you. This isn't up for discussion."

"Maybe not between you and Ms. Beckett, Mr. Castle, but between you and me it is." Castle's head spun around as Kate's nurse entered the room. "I don't remember clearing you to visit Ms. Beckett, Mr. Castle."

"Neither do I, which is why I decided to make the decision for myself." Castle said with his winning smile, and putting on his most charming tone of voice. "After all," he shrugged his shoulders and conjured his face into an almost unassuming look, "Boys will be boys." He glanced at Kate who struggled to hide a grin, remembering how he'd done the same when she'd first interrogated him after they'd first met.

"Well, Mr. Castle," said the nurse, unimpressed, "I'm afraid to inform you that visiting hours ended at 8:30, so you'll have to say good night to Ms. Beckett for now." He frowned.

"You heard her, Castle," said Beckett, now smiling at the scowl forming on her partner's face. "'Night."

He turned back to her, standing up. "Good night." He smiled at her and then stepped out the door to sit back down on the chair he'd occupied out in the hallway. "To be honest, I like this position best to stare at you."

Kate gritted her teeth and sighed. Any remnant of the smile she'd had before disappeared, replaced with more frustration. Hopefully the nurse could get him out. She seemed strong willed enough to do so. However, knowing Castle and his endless supply of Sharpies and his willingness to sign anything and _anywhere_, she banked on having company for the overnight stay. In a way, it almost made her feel happy, a feeling that she tried to disregard. She supposed that staying mad at Castle was going to be difficult. Because in a way, he knew what she wouldn't admit she wanted: for him to stay with her.

**Author's Note****: **Usually I don't add these at the bottom but as I didn't want to spoil you at the top I set this down here. Anyhow, this chapter was kind of the typical Caskett relationship of not saying what they feel, leaving either one of both of them disappointed/frustrated. As Andrew Marlowe said, this topic isn't going to be addressed right away in the season, so I'm doing my best to follow what he's planning for next season. Anyhow, next chapter we're going to get some Martha and after that some of the boys and Lanie. Stay tuned, Castillions!


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: *****UPDATE PLEASE READ* **Chapter 6 has been updated because stupid me just had an "Oh, shit!" moment when I realized that I hadn't posted ALL of chapter six. There is some more dialogue here for you and I promise I'll update soon. This chapter brings Martha to the stage. Hope you like what's going through her head. This scene just popped up and I couldn't resist writing it. I think that it brings some of Martha's flair to light. After this chapter it may be a few days until I start posting, I've got a lot of stuff on my plate! As usual continue to subscribe and write. Thanks and cheers!

Though Martha hadn't exactly been a very effective parent, she supposed that when she needed to be, she was a decent one.

She hadn't allowed Alexis to go to the hospital because she knew that in her son's state after the funeral, it would have been a bad idea for his family to be present. Martha knew him well enough to know that he wouldn't want Alexis to see anymore of him like he'd been when Kate was shot: haggard, desperate, afraid. Martha knew that Richard needed to look like the strong, cool dad he'd always portrayed, not the broken man he'd become for a period of time after the woman he loved had been shot. So she brought Alexis home, made her change out of her funeral attire and had attempted to cook some stir fry. Which had turned to calling a pizza guy twenty minutes later. Alexis and she had for once butted heads over when they could go to the hospital, but her granddaughter hadn't thrown a fit. No, the situation was too grave for any of that and tantrums were _definitely_ not Alexis' way. Instead, she sat on the couch, knees crossed, clutching her cell phone like a lifeline. And then Richard had called, telling her briefly that the detective was going to be all right. After that, Martha told Alexis that tomorrow she could ditch school and visit Detective Beckett with her. She remembered consciously two minutes later that Alexis had finals and reminded her that she'd have to bring her school books along. Martha almost felt satisfied with herself. She was getting used to the whole responsibility thing. She'd even sent Alexis to bed at 11, insisting that she needed her rest.

Now, sitting on the couch, she sipped her first, desperately needed drink of the night- gin from Richard's stash- and suddenly had a plan that would make it her last. She hastily wrote a note just in case Alexis woke up in the middle of the night wondering where she'd gone and went in search of Richard's sheet closet. _Blankets, blankets, where does he keep the blankets?_ she sang to herself in her head as she crept around the loft. Disturbing the stillness of the night, she finally gave up and ripped off one from his bed and plucked a pillow from the mattress. Martha rummaged through his drawers, found his underwear and pajamas and a clean new outfit and stuffed it in a plastic bag. From his bathroom she took his toiletries and put them in the bag as well. Finally ready to go, she snatched her keys and purse and locked the door behind her. Outside the building, she hailed a cab to the hospital. The sky was dark and she knew there were stars out there, beyond the glare of lights from the city that never sleeps. She reached into her purse and grabbed her flip cell phone from a jumble of items within her bag. Jabbing at the numbers that would get her son to answer his cell phone, she pressed it to her ear.

"Mother?" answered the groggy and somewhat exasperated whisper of Richard, who she'd no doubt woken up.

"Darling, meet me at the front doors of the emergency room, I have something for you."

"Please tell me you didn't bring Alexis."

"Honestly, Richard, don't you trust my judgment at all?" Martha asked, rolling her eyes.

"Don't ask questions that you don't want answers to," he told her in sing songy undertone.

"Oh, Richard! Just meet me there won't you?"

"I'm on my way," Richard resignedly said before he hung up.

He stood at the designated spot looking shocked as she handed over the overnight bag, pillow, and blanket.

"Mother how sweet! So I take this to mean that your motherly instincts haven't abandoned you entirely?"

"Richard Castle, what on earth are you talking about?" she protested, with her signature Martha Rodgers' dramatic flair. "They've been here… they've just been dormant for the past thirty years…"

"That's what I thought. But thank you, that was very thoughtful of you."

He leaned down and gave her a kiss on the cheek. "Now go home and get some rest."

She headed back into the cab and saw her son wave goodbye before turning in. Even though she knew he couldn't see, she waved her hand back. Well, she reflected, maybe her maternal instincts weren't as dormant as she'd once thought.


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N:**All right guys, after a long break, I am back! Sorry I know this hiatus was a long one between chapters, but I have been SUPER busy these past couple weeks! Anyhow, I'm giving you a long one here that basically has Castle and Beckett musing over their feelings and getting a sense of clarity on their takes of their complicated relationship. I will be back shortly with another chapter that involves visits from our favorite cast of characters, so stay tuned! Please remember to review and subscribe! Thanks!

The blanket wrapped around him and his pillow propped up on the back of the chair, leaning against the wall, Castle watched Beckett through half closed eyes. She had fallen asleep at around nine-thirty, however when she tried to turn on her side, she let out a little gasp and her eyes flashed open. He whisper shouted out to her, getting to his feet asking if she was all right. Kate would roll her eyes and then murmur an assurance that she wasn't in any pain. It took a few hours for her body to learn that rolling over caused pain and soon she remained still, her chest rising up and down at regular intervals. At around one, though his body gave him all the signs that he was exhausted, his mind ran a marathon, whirring, constantly rehashing the day's events over and over again. He thought over and over again about how he'd almost lost her and how lucky she was. And frankly how lucky he was. Losing Kate would be like losing the sun. All life was sustained by its blinding force and without it, all life ebbed away and eventually became lost. He stood up and deciding that trying to succumb to sleep proved futile, he crept to a chair near her bed. Gently setting himself into it he observed her as she slept. To his surprise, he noticed that though her body and expression remained calm, her mouth formed into a frown as though even in sleep, the day's worries still followed her into her unconscious state. Funny, he thought ruefully, in sleep wasn't a person supposed to look content, even smile? Well, this happened to be Kate Beckett, whose demons followed her and influenced her every decision, so how could he expect her to be any different in sleep? Despite their discontented expression, these were the lips that he most wanted, the lips whose kiss had haunted him for the past four months. He almost got up to lean over her, kiss her on her forehead but he stopped himself almost guiltily as thought of how Kate Beckett was not his to kiss. She would never be, at least while Josh was in the picture, and Castle had long given up on hoping for a disappearing act on his part. But all the tidbits that Kate had shared with him about Doctor Motorcycle Boy had been indicators of her wanting to break up. Or so Rick had thought. All these months later, Josh still had the privilege of kissing her, holding her, wrapping his arms around her, and the right to tell her that he loved her. What had he been thinking, telling her that he loved her? Castle reprimanded himself furiously. He was lucky that Kate had forgotten or more than likely tried to forget for their benefit, which might explain why she had been so bent on pushing him away during their short-lived visit. He wouldn't put it past her. Why confront their feelings when it was easier to push them away? That had always been how their bond had been defined. But then again, he thought bitterly, when had anything been that simple for their relationship? Her mother's case had assured that. Feelings ran wild, so many "almosts" occurred, and there were times that they acted as though they were a couple that it _almost_ seemed like they were together. _Kate_ could solve this whole puzzle. It was she and only she who could kick Josh to the curb and choose to be with Rick. And it was her job as his partner, his boss, to choose what was right for them. And if she chose Josh, so be it. He could wait. Because that's what he promised her. To stand by her, to stand by her decisions. _Always_ in hopes that she'd make the right one. He rested his hand on hers and to his horror her head turned towards him.

"Castle?" she murmured, her words slurred.

"I'm here. Go back to sleep," he said softly, rubbing his thumb over her hand.

"Promise?" it was lower than a whisper, but Castle caught it.

"Always." Her eyes closed again and her hand remained in his. This six letter word was more than the typical defined meaning. Between them, it was more like "I love you." at least that was how Castle had begun to think of it as he said it from his end, because it was strictly forbidden in their unwritten rules to reveal their feelings aloud.

And with a pang, he realized that she wouldn't remember their brief conversation in the morning. Damn those drugs. This was made even more disappointing by the fact that this was yet another testament to how far he'd go for her that she would yet again, inevitably miss.

After yet another attempt to roll on her side that caused a stab of pain through her chest, Kate's eyes flew open and she inhaled a sharp take of breath. She doubted that Castle could see through the dim into her room nor did she think that he'd heard her wake up. Squinting at the digital clock through the dark, she saw it read quarter past two in the morning. Finding it fruitless to try to get back to sleep for the time being, she removed her mask and allowed herself to smile as she reminisced about Castle's fervent pleading and bribery about letting him stay the night at least in the hallway. Finally, an offer of a first edition copy of the first Derrick Storm book later, the nurse reluctantly allowed him to stay in the hallway, leaving with a promise of listing the book on eBay the next day. That must've been a blow to the old ego for Castle, mused Beckett wryly. If she lifted her chin ever so slightly she could see him, his eyes fixed on her. What? He was still up? Oh crap, the last thing she needed during her brief Kate Time was interjections from Castle. She clamped her eyes shut before he could notice. Then she felt the immediate repercussions of guiltiness wash over her. Here was Castle-Rick- sitting out on a hard plastic chair just for her. And here she was trying to avoid him. What a wonderful way to repay his kindness. It wasn't fair to him after all he did to keep her safe. And it wasn't fair for him to love her, someone who was with a man that they both knew she didn't love. Someone who had shouted at him, kicked him out, ended their partnership. And yet for some unfathomable reason, Rick Castle apparently loved her, Kate Beckett. Before she had originally tried to fall asleep, she had gone over that in her head and realized her previous thoughts of him not loving her were perceived wrongly, at least she hoped they were untrue. How she felt about Castle was complicated though. She had no idea where their relationship was, forget knowing where she wanted it to go. And the same was with Josh. He had been her boyfriend for many months now, yet she didn't even think that she loved him. More like the relationship was convenient for their schedules, but besides that, she didn't feel like there was much depth beyond. Yet she didn't want to break up with him. She did after all care for him and she could tell that he cared for her. However, she didn't want to string him along if all they did was care for each other. Wasn't a relationship like theirs supposed to have _love_ by this point? So it was then that she decided to take a break from Josh for a little while, until she sorted through her feelings. To make it fair to all involved in this tangled mess. So that everyone could know where everything stood so that it was fair enough for all. God, this was going to be awkward the next morning. No use thinking of it now, though, she told herself. The painkillers made it almost impossible to put together a coherent plan and frankly she was exhausted from the day's, hell, the _week's_ events. She tipped her chin up again to see Castle his hand resting on his palm, his eyes now closed, looking even more boyish in sleep. _Night Castle_, she thought, _I hope this works out... For both of us_. And then she drifted off into unconsciousness, no doubt to be woken up by rolling on her side yet again within the hour.


	8. Chapter 8

A/N: Hello all, I am back, yes I know, don't kill me, I was gone a lot longer than I thought I would be. So this time, I'm just going to keep my mouth shut and not make any promises to when I'll be back. Anyhow, this chapter, we see some more Josh and they have a little discussion time. You'll see how that works out! As usual, please review and subscribe! Thanks to you all so much!

Maybe she shouldn't have asked Castle to call Josh when they woke up that morning. Rick's eyebrows shot up and his mouth circled into a little *o*. He managed to compose himself, but not before Kate noticed his reaction.

"Or I could do it..." she corrected herself hastily.

His face immediately changed into a cheerful atmosphere and he batted her offer away saying he'd give Josh a call. As he headed out into the hallway, Kate tried to come up with what she was going to say to the boyfriend in question. "It's been great dating you, but I'm possibly caring for someone else and you haven't been around so, yeah, we should just take a break." that would be the honest and most terrible "Let's take a break." conversation they could have. She tried another approach that ended up sounded like, "It's not you, it's me." and in her head she could Castle chiding her on how clichéd the words sounded. Giving up on the idea of a prepared conversation, Kate decided to come up with the words as they came to her, knowing that was more her style, in both police work and her private life.

Castle came back into the room, telling her that Josh would be arriving shortly, and try as he might, he could not conceal the frown plastered across his face.

Shortly enough, Josh arrived, his dark fly away hair sweeped across is forehead, familiar black leather jacket hugging his muscled body. With a bright smile at seeing his girlfriend awake, Kate couldn't help but think for the thousandth time that Josh was the poster boy boyfriend. But as with all relationships, she reminded herself firmly, looks never share what's going on in the depths of the relationship and the people involved in it. Like the way they almost never saw each other. Like how they hadn't moved in with each other after over nine months of dating like each gossip magazine had decided was definitely time to do it. And the sad thing was, Kate had no interest in moving in with him. And she doubted she ever would.

"Hey, babe," he interrupted her thoughts yet again with those two words, ones that she was beginning to despise being called.

"Hi, Josh," she said tiredly. "We need to talk." Oh now she'd done it, this conversation was starting off terribly. Castle popped into her head and she realized its other problem: It'd started off _very _clichéd.

Josh frowned and he sat down at the edge of the foot of her bed. "What's wrong?"

_Here goes everything,_ she thought with a sigh and she began. "Josh, getting shot's given me a lot of time to think. A lot more time to think that I've had in while." She gave a breathless laugh.

"So what have you been thinking about?" Josh asked. Concern crossed his features, but by the lack of sadness that didn't seem to cloud over him, she assumed that the discussion that they were about to have had not occurred to him.

"Getting shot, mostly. And about who did it and about why they did it.-"

"You'll figure it all out. When you get back to the precinct and-" Josh interrupted, trying to reassure her.

"-Josh, I've been thinking about us the most though," she cut him off quietly, letting the words sink in.

Confusion joined the concern on his face and he scooted closer to her. Josh reached for her hand but she pulled it away and placed it under her other hand. He looked bewilderedly at the spot where her hand had been and then looked back her face, begging Kate for and explanation.

"I mean, we never really see each other much and when we do, do you feel like we actually go anywhere with what we talk about? It used to work out okay with both of us because we were so busy, but now after all this time it feels the same as it did back six months we need is time with each other and to be honest, I don't know if I'm willing to give it yet. And I don't know if you are, either. I just need a break to figure this all out-"

"Why don't you just break up with me, Kate?" Now the sadness had clouded over him, and if she had detected it right, a little anger as well. "What are you going to over this break? Sit in the room with Castle beside you? That's how you're going to figure out our relationship? What we need is more time _with _each other, not separation. But we're never going to get it. So just be honest with yourself, with me, and just end it."

All Kate could do was nod. "Good bye, Josh."

"You're an amazing woman, Kate." He whispered before standing up. "Good luck."

_I'm going to need it_, she thought. And just as she closed her eyes, she saw Castle come in the room, his eyes filled with concern as he took her hand and sat in silence.

A/N: So DMB is out of the picture (this time for good)! And as we all know this is Castle, so don't expect some hook up from them in the next chapter, you know how frustrating these guys can be. Next chapter you're going to see some action with Lanie and our favorite boys, so stay tuned! Leave your thoughts in the reviews, please!


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